Prairie Street Retreat

Catching Up

2011-08-08T16:33:00.000-07:00

So...it's only been almost 4 months since I wrote here. Ahhh...where to start?

April - Mayo appointment. Didn't go as well as anticipated. I failed my exercise test. Last year I did around 70%. This year was 60%. I am having problems with my calf muscles being tight and I believe this contributed to my being unable to complete more of the test. Also, I am having some decreased circulation in my feet. They are becoming cyanotic more often and are cold all the time. These symptoms won me a Cardiac MRI! MRI was in June and I got a clean bill of health. Next visit - one year!

May - don't really remember May all that much.

June - Brewer game. Was awesome. That's about it!

July - another Brewer game. Was freakin' hot! Of course, Brewers were losing and we left because we were all melting (MELTING!). They won in the 9th inning with a come from behind victory. Boo that we missed it, but yeah for air conditioning. We acquired another dog. Long story short - she is a dachshund from a rescue. Her name is Ava and she is adorable. She and Teo are BFFs and play all the time! He is so gentle with her. She is fat and needs to be on a diet, which she is, but she is still fat! I think she sneaks the cat food when we are not looking. Our theory is that she was a puppy mill momma dog. We don't know how old she is or what kind of life she had before us, but her personality has really started to shine! She is so kissy and funny! Such a loving dog. I don't understand how anyone can abuse animals and when I look at her it breaks my heart to think of what she went through before coming into our family (including extended family - my parents and sister love her too!). All that matters now is that she is happy and having a good life. She even has her own pillow on the bed because she needs to be between us.

August - we moved my parents into a new house! I am kind of...melancholy about the old house, we lived there for 12 or so years, but love this new house. It's weird, the thing I am most upset about is that they had to change their phone number. We have dialed that phone number for almost 20 years! Moving on...it's also weird that when I am at their new house I feel more at home then I did in the old house. Maybe it always just meant to be a transition house until they found the right one. And they did! Makes me want to get a new house. Only problem - I HATE MOVING! I do feel the need to go through all my stuff and purge though. Probably would be a good idea. I am motivated to purge all the stuff in the house when I am at work and I get myself all psyched up...and then I come home and take a nap. It's hard work, all that thinking.

Photo Collage Friday!

2011-04-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

My fur babies.

Stream of Random Thoughts

2011-04-10T19:25:00.000-07:00

I came home from work to a wonderful meal prepared by Cory. Asparagus might be my new favorite vegetable! After dinner, we spent a couple hours on the deck, just talking and enjoying the beautiful weather. The dogs enjoyed it as much as we did. Even our anti-Lab Bear had a nice time. He was stretched out enjoying the breeze. By breeze I mean the occasional gust of wind that made us hang onto our drinks so they didn't tip over. Teo and Cory played with the Chuck It! which succeeded in tiring Teo out. JJ was just chillaxin' under the table. With Teo's tennis ball. As he barked at her. Loudly. Fun for the whole neighborhood! The cats were at the windows meowing their protests as they were not allowed outside. Well, cats, you go outside and then you freak out and hide behind the garbage cans. This is not a fun game for anyone. Cory and I just talked about future plans. What changes to make in the house. Our work days. Well, mine anyway. Although he was a busy little bee. He raked the backyard and fenced off part of it so we can try (for the third year in a row) to grow some lawn. I am thinking that it is an act of futility at this point but if that is how he keeps himself busy, then more power to him. My tulips are coming up. They are looking nice and healthy - yeah! My Hostas (remember the freakish alien Hostas from last year?) are a little slow this year. I am kind of worried as they were such over-achievers last year in their growth that they may have been damaged through the winter. But, as my friendster Erin pointed out, "even you can't kill them". Thanks...friend. She keeps me grounded as this Hosta issue was becoming quite bothersome to me. Wow. I have to get some hobbies or something. 28 going on 78... The cherry on top of the sundae (Sunday!) today was...the ice cream sandwich I just enjoyed. Life is always better with ice cream sandwiches.

I Brake For Birds

2011-04-08T18:31:00.000-07:00

During my drive to work, I pass a park/campground in McFarland. Usually my hours are so varied that I don't see much activity, but on my way home from work today I was treated to the "crossing of the geese". There is a large flock of geese that live in the park. I have stopped there previously to photograph them as I find them completely fascinating. I don't know how people can say that animals don't have personalities. Just watch some geese for a while! Observing them can be very relaxing. Anyway, this afternoon on my way home I saw the cars in front of me braking. The geese were crossing. There is one large, white goose who always leads the way. He/she steps off the curb looking one way and then the other until both sides of traffic stop. The flock follows and traffic will not move until they are all safely across. I find it refreshing that in this busy, busy world where people are rude and there is a lack of respect from one to another, that a flock of geese can stop rush hour traffic. I love it.

Sickness and Snow

2011-04-01T10:48:00.001-07:00

I have been sick. I am sick. Blah. And, it's snowing on top of it. Thanks for the April Fool's joke Mother Nature.

I have been sick for 10 days. Bad sinus infection that has moved into my chest. Now, I sound like I have been smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day for about 75 years. I was seen on Monday by a physician and given antibiotics and steroids. I was seen again today and given new antibiotics and more steroids. This is my third sinus infection to be treated with antibiotics this year. I was just treated at the beginning of March with medicine. They don't think that it ever went away. I have never had a sinus infection this bad. I said that the last time though. And, the time before that. I was healthy in 2010! Return to me health!

Catching up on my DVR shows. But my head hurts too much to concentrate. I think a nap is looming in my near future. I will say one thing about my shows. Justified (on FX) is such a good show! I am way behind on my episodes because my head hurts and am looking forward to catching up! I love Timothy Olyphant. He makes me swoon.

A Woman's Dilemma

2011-03-20T18:53:00.001-07:00

Baby. Child. Children. Kids. To have or have not?

Biological. Adopted. How is a family made?

Mother. Mom. Mommy. Do I want that name?

Growing up, all I wanted to do was be a mother. I pictured my children. I named them. I imagined their rooms, birth announcements, clothes, personalities. I imagined how I would look pregnant. To feel them kick. Ultrasound pictures. To wonder at their features. My nose or his?

We all know life rarely works out the way we plan or imagine. The pieces don't magically fit together to form a straight path to our wishes, goals or dreams. There are curves, bridges, valleys and peaks on our path. Sometimes we need to turn when we don't want to. Sometimes we need to keep walking when we just want to stop. Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side and the other side is just out of reach. Sometimes we stop to smell the roses only to realize they are daisies. Our needs change. Our wants change. Our goals, dreams and plans change.

I never questioned my desire to be a mom. I never explored or considered a life without children in my mind. It was one thing that I was sure of. One thing that I could count on. A security blanket of sorts. I didn't know where when or how it would happen, I just knew it would.

I remember the day that the security blanket ripped. The day the path became blocked without a detour in sight. I was 13 and at my yearly cardiology check up. Prior to this appointment, I had given minor thought to my ability to have children. Every woman grows up to be a mom, right? If you want a baby, you decide to have a baby. I knew I had a heart condition. I knew I couldn't push myself in gym. If I was tired, I'd rest. Just like everything else. Hungry = eat. Tired = sleep.

I was sitting on the exam table in my gown. My mom was to the left of me, holding my hand. My dad was to the right, sitting in the chair next to the desk. My doctor was sitting in front of me, slightly to the right. She asked if I had any questions. I looked at my mom. I was embarrassed to ask the question. She smiled and nodded at me in a "go ahead, ask her" way. I had asked mom if I could have kids prior to this visit. We were starting to learn about puberty and anatomy and all that embarrassing stuff at school. My mom didn't know the answer. I think the standard, unspoken rule among doctors is "if they don't ask, don't tell". And, when my parents had asked, the answers were always "We'll see when she is older", "We don't know at this point" and "Well, there aren't a lot of studies or research that addresses pregnancy in cardiac patients". I down at my feet, face flushing and stammered something that included the words "um", "wondering", "have", "um", "kids" and "future". I will never forget the sympathy (pity?) in her voice when she answered, "Oh honey, you need a heart transplant. You won't be able to have children". The rest of the visit is a blur. I zoned out. My next memory of that day is sitting in the back seat of the car, behind the passenger seat where my mom sat, the sun streaming in and my intense desire to escape. I put my headphones on, turned my CD (tape player maybe?) on and turned up the volume. I remember my dad turning to look at me and I paused the music. He and mom posed the all encompassing question: "Amy, do you want to talk about anything from the visit today?". Nonchalant, flippant, composed I answered, "no".

Starting 7th grade that year, I felt different. Different than my classmates. More withdrawn. Angry. Scared. 7th grade. Why waste my time? Heart transplant. Scary words...don't think about them. "No kids". Nope, avoid those words too. If I don't acknowledge them, they don't exist. Talk to mom and dad? Um...no. that would consider acknowledging information that I didn't want to process. Smile. Everything is good. No one needs to know about the empty feeling.

Health class again in 8th grade. And in 11th. And, between these two bookends, my thoughts and feelings were like bingo balls rolling around my head. No matter which one I focused on, it was different than the one before. The doctors are wrong. I don't want kids anyway. I'll never get married. I'll adopt. Adoption is too expensive. I'll have a surrogate carry my baby. I don't care what the doctors say, I'll get pregnant when I'm ready - they still have to take care of me. Maybe I'll marry a man with kids. No, I don't want to be a step-mom. I want to experience pregnancy. I want to feel the baby kick. I want a nursery to decorate. I want a boy. I want a girl. I want two. I want three. I will have kids. I'll never have kids. I'm depressed. I'm happy. I'm resigned. I'm mourning. I feel sorry for myself. I feel lucky.

My heart condition and ability to have children is something I found myself dwelling on every day. I still do. You can't avoid children. They are everywhere! Sometimes that is enough for me to feel grateful that I don't have any. I can come and go as I please. I don't need a babysitter. If I want to take a 2 hour bath, I can. If I want to eat ice cream for dinner in front of the TV, I can. I can swear, sleep and pamper myself. I can spend money on myself instead of daycare.

But, I can't hear a little voice say "mommy" and know that it is me. I can't feel a little arms hug me around my neck. I can't see a smile, hear a giggle or soothe a cry. Just because I can't, doesn't mean I won't. That is what is great about our paths. If we don't like the one we are on, we can create a new one. The question is, what will we sacrifice to make that path and what will we sacrifice if we decide to stay put?

Enough reminiscing for one night. To be continued...

To Teo

2011-01-04T19:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Mateo,

First, let me start by saying Mommy loves you. And not because I have to. Well...never mind. Mommy loves you.

You may be a little bewildered by some of the recent changes in the house and how things work around here. I am going to try to explain them to you so you have a better understanding.

1. New Food Dish
I sense a little frustration over your new food dish. This change happened for a number of reasons, the most important being your health. When you gobble your food down without chewing you can end up with something called "bloat" where you have a lot of air in your stomach. Your brother Bear had that a few years ago and had a lot of tests done on him. That process was not fun for any of us. Secondly, and I believe just as important, when you gobble your food without chewing and suck air in your stomach, you tend to then throw it up. This is a problem for a couple of reasons. One, it stains the carpet, although you do try to eat it as quickly as possible. Two, it's gross to see you eat your food that you just regurgitated. Plus, your brother and sister think you have a treat and they try to eat it too. This new food dish helps you by having what they call "obstacles", or the pointy things, so you slow down your eating. You'll learn to love it.

2. The Muzzle
If the new food dish is frustrating, then this seems to just downright p!## you off. I'm sorry, Mommy didn't mean to swear. Again, the most important reason for this is your health. Before your muzzle, you would tend to...how shall I put this...find little gourmet treats outside to eat. This is a problem for the both of us. First, it upsets your stomach. Second, it really stains the carpet. Third, Mommy gets a little nauseous from the smell and uses a lot of swear words while cleaning up the area. This also means you probably get called "naughty" and "bad dog" a few (thousand) times. When Mommy is in a more logical state of mind, she realizes that you don't have any control if your body decides to regurgitate your food. But, you do have control over what you eat and since you obviously cannot use self restraint, the muzzle has come into play. A few tips that may help this transition easier:
A. When you run outside and have your muzzle on, do not bury your head in the snow. This may be the reason that you have hit your head on the fence more often. Also, when you do this, the snow gets caught in the muzzle and your nose gets cold. You don't seem to like this, as I see you shivering.
B. When you rub your head on the ground, tree, fence (...) you scratch your nose. I know this is probably painful as you have caused some bleeding. Yet, it still doesn't seem to stop you. Let's work on this.

While we are at it, let's review some general house rules.

When Mommy or Daddy's alarm goes of in the morning, you don't have to get up right away. You may have noticed that the alarm goes off, goes quiet, goes off, goes quiet a few times. This is called "snoozing" the alarm and it is one of the greatest inventions since sliced bread. Well, to put this into a better perspective, since sliced bread with peanut butter on it (I know it's your favorite!). Mommy tends to not get up right away in the morning and you may hear the alarm go off up to 4-5 (or 6-7) times before I actually get up. You can save yourself some time by sleeping in with me during the snoozes instead of getting up and whining in my face. I don't mean to sound, well, mean, but you tend to have bad breath. Don't worry, we all do in the morning. After Mommy does get up, I'd like you to try to work on the whole licking thing. I know you love me. I know you like to express that love by kisses. I'd appreciate that when I tell you "enough" or "okay Teo" or "okay Mateo" or "stop it!" that you would listen. All I ask is for a little cooperation.

When someone comes in the door (ie; Mommy) please do not jump up and down like a jackrabbit hopped up on Speed. We have discussed this before. There is a word that I use that you may have heard a few times, "OFF". This word generally means if you are on something, you need to move. Or, when you jump and push Mommy into the door you should stop. Again, the phrase "stop it!" might be used. I know you know this, but we all need reminders every now and then. Along the same lines, when you hear Mommy or Daddy's car pull into the driveway, please do not screech like someone is skinning you alive. We know you are excited to see us. We are trying to get in the house as fast as we can to let you out of your kennel. Plus, honestly, it is just embarrassing and annoying to the neighbors. They are going to start to think we abuse you or something. When we do walk in to let you out of the kennel, again try to curb the jumping. You tend to hit your head on the top of the kennel and even though this may not affect you now, I am afraid of the long term effects of all the head trauma.

As this is a public blog and I do not want to offend, we will just cover this next subject quickly. Let's call it "ignoring one's primal urges". I know that with two boys in the house, you both need to exert your dominance over the other at times. You seem to be taking this concept a little too far. I don't believe Bear appreciates your advances. You may be able to tell by the way he runs, sits down or lays down whenever you go up to him. I know you are technically in your teen years, but you will have to learn self restraint some time in your life - let's start now!

I do want to commend you on a few things, as we all need a little positivity in our lives.

When we go to bed and you are not tired, I appreciate that you bring a toy with you to chew on or play with until you are ready to sleep. This is very mature of you and I am glad you understand the concept of "entertaining one's self".

When Mommy's back is hurting and she drops something, your knowledge of the words "fetch" and "mine" are very helpful. You are very gentle and will (typically) not destroy whatever I need you to pick up. This is a very good quality to have because if Mommy bends down and she can't stand back up, that probably means you won't be let outside or fed for a while until help comes.

Along the same lines, when you destroy something or decide to empty the garbage, thank you for helping Mommy and/or Daddy clean up. The fact that you fetch some of the mess to us and the garbage bag means you understand that you need to clean up your messes and take responsibility for your actions.

In closing, you are a good boy. You make Mommy laugh more often than not, you keep Daddy company on his runs and you love your brother and sister so much. You are nice to your kitty siblings and (mostly) respective of people's personal space. You also attempt to share your toys with Mommy, Daddy and other friends or family that may visit. You are very sociable and in most cases, well behaved in public. Thanks for making me smile and thanks for loving me unconditionally.

I love you,

Mommy

Gettin' Funky

2011-01-01T18:37:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season full of love, laughter and health. Mine was great. Thanksgiving is the start of the holidays for me and I don't feel like I've rested at all since then!

I created my "11 Goals" for 2011 over the last few days. Nothing huge, just things I'd like to accomplish. I am giving myself a whole year to work on them and there is no pressure to start on a certain day or finish on a certain day. If I chip away at the tasks goals I have created, then I will have a better sense of accomplishment I believe. I won't share the goals now, but soon. I am hoping to use this blog as a platform for documenting my progress, my setbacks and my victories. That's why I set this thing up in the first place. I have gotten to know many CHF families and I hope to continue to build relationships with them and new families. I am going to be dedicating more time to this platform and am hoping that I can inspire along the way.

2010-11-23T19:33:00.001-08:00

It's been 4 weeks since my trial CPAP. I feel great! It has really helped. I have woken up a few times with a pressure of 12 (which is as high as it is programmed for me), so that worries me that I'm at an even higher pressure, but most often it has been an 8 or 9. I feel much more energized, but am still finding that I need a nap to get through the day, though not everyday it seems.

I have been dealing with some shoulder and neck pain - getting massages for a knot in my back. I love massages! I have one tomorrow that I am looking forward to. I don't know what caused it, but it's annoying! I just want to feel better!

I worked a double shift today (14 hours). It wasn't too bad, we weren't super busy. We had quite a few lacerations to sew up, but those are always cool (to me!).

I have also started making some greeting cards from my thousands (no, really, thousands) of photos that I have taken and developed over the years. One of my co-workers bought some from me! If only it was enough money to support me being a stay at home mom (to my dogs). It is a nice outlet for me. I love to photograph everything - this helps me showcase and share that love with others. One of my co-workers is also going to buy some prints for me - she just has to figure out which ones!

I hope you all have a wonderful, happy and safe Thanksgiving. I know that I am really looking forward to it...I have an unhealthy love of gravy. Usually my plate contains gravy with a side of potatoes and turkey. I can't lie, my mom makes the best Thanksgiving dinner. Unfortunately, she is sick, so I am going to help with all the preparations. My poor family! They don't know what's coming!

New Machine

2010-10-24T16:52:00.000-07:00

I have an appointment tomorrow to get a new CPAP. Well, it's a temporary CPAP - one that measures my nighttime pressures. I have been very fatigued lately. True, I have been working more. Why do I do that to myself? I volunteer to work more and then I am more tired...hmm. I'd better look into that.

So, I met with my Pulmonologist about a week ago. I had told him that I have been having increased daily fatigue. It's not just the days I work either. My days off, vacations and weekends are planned around my daily naps. I told Cory it's like having a child, we just need to plan around naps! My MD wants me to use this temporary CPAP for one month and then I will see him in follow-up to go over the results. The machine has a computer chip that records my air pressure through the night. Right now my pressure is a lower number because that's what I required at the time of my sleep study. The machine will adjust the pressure if needed during use. My MD said that if that is "inconclusive", I will have to do a sleep study. If the sleep study is negative or "inconclusive" as well, we might have to look into heart function. That is an "only if" situation though. I am not having arrythmias that I know of, nor am I having any edema. I will wait for the results of the test before I schedule my Mayo appointment. I am a couple months late on that (not a good idea by the way) due to my Pulmonology appointment. I didn't want to go to Mayo with the same "I'm tired" complaint when they would want me to follow up with Pulmonology anyway. I figured, even though I am a little behind, I might as well be ahead. Right?

Murphy Cat

2010-10-15T15:12:00.000-07:00

We had to say goodbye to a member of our family today. Murphy, our cat, left us peacefully.

We adopted Murphy in 2000, he made the cat family complete at 3. He was the gentlest soul - he loved everyone. He was weird, I'll admit. He liked to lick the walls and stare into space at nothing. But he also loved to be with you, making sure his paw was somewhere on your body so you knew he was there. One of his favorite spots was on top of your head...you'd sometimes even get a little "love nip". That always hurt! He had a deep, mournful meow that you could hear wherever you were in the house. My nephew, when he was little, would call Murphy, "Mophy cat". That's what he was known as. Murphy Cat. He was also our "cow" cat - white with black blotches on his body. He was dealt a difficult hand in life. He had a wonderful home with us, but he had many health problems. He had environmental allergies that would cause him to become hypersensitive to touch and he would run around the house like he was possessed. He would get steroid shots once in a while and that would help him temporarily. He had cat asthma. This past summer, he caught a bad respiratory infection - viral and bacterial. He was on antibiotics for one month which was also supposed to help his teeth - he had had bad teeth since we adopted him. When we took him in today, he had a number of dental abscesses. The vet thought that if we pull his teeth, that might help him with pain, but since he has an autoimmune disease that we can't identify, pulling the teeth might not help at all. He was in so much pain that we decided that he had lived a good life and that he deserved to be pain free.

Saying goodbye to a pet is one of the hardest things I think anyone has to deal with. It scares me to think of saying goodbye to my other pets, once they become older. I wish they could live forever. They bring so much happiness and joy to my life that it's hard to imagine it without them.

Murphy was a funny, quirky cat with bad habits. Crawling on the counters, eating all the people food he could find, peeing in the sink (yep, he did)...but I will miss his sweetness when he cuddled. The way he would put his paw over your mouth, almost like saying "don't talk, just be". He was wonderfully strange with his mannerisms and facial expressions (whoever disagrees that cats have facial expressions has never paid close enough attention). His ultimate best buddy was Baxter, our big, orange fluffy cat who left us a number of years ago as he had heart failure. Baxy actually had a heart condition that was similar to mine. He lived far longer than the vet expected and was happy in his life. I like to think that Murphy and Baxter are sitting together on a chair in the sun somewhere, completely pain free and happy.

I will miss you terribly Murphy, not only for your sweet personality, but your comical way of being. You brought frustration, happiness, tears and love with you when you joined this family. You left memories that we will not soon forget. Rest in Peace Murphy Cat.

Dine, Wine and Swine

2010-10-02T16:30:00.000-07:00

Cory turned 30. He did not want any fanfare. So, I wanted to surprise him with a trip out of town for his birthday. I thought it'd be great to take the weekend off and just relax. Unfortunately, I had to tell him the dates so he took them off of work. He kind of guessed why and we both decided where to go. The winner was...DOOR COUNTY! Door County is in the "thumb" of Wisconsin. Right now, it's a little cold. We are staying at Glidden Lodge which is right on the shore of Lake Michigan. So, with Wisconsin temperatures hovering around the mid-low 50s, subtract about 10 or 15 degrees from that. That is what it feels like outside. Plus, there is so much wind coming off of the lake in addition to today's weather, it's like a wind tunnel! It rained on/off today and the picture window in our suite was dripping with water. Within 30 minutes it was dry because of the wind. The good thing about the weather is that it's beautiful to photograph. The sunrise was so pretty.

I am thinking on this trip that I have photographed everything I possibly could in Door County because I have been here so much. We come up here probably 1-2 times a year if possible. Not much changes in Door County. Same stores, same orchards, same wineries. Good thing I don't like change! The leaves are beautiful. The reds are very vibrant this year. Not so much the yellows yet. All the pumpkins are picked and ready to be sold, the gourds too. There are corn husks around the light poles in preparation for the Pumpkin Patch Festival. I attended that last year with with some girlfriends and it was very fun. Door County to me is pure relaxation. There are plenty of activities to entertain you if that is what you wish. They have Peninsula Player's Theater - they put on some great productions there. Cory and I have visited the Hands On Art Studio - you can be as creative as you would like! On our honeymoon, we made a mosaic table with our wedding colors. It is now in our living room and we get a lot of compliments on it. What can I say - we're creative!

This trip, since it was so short, we only planned on hitting a few favorite restaurants and renting mopeds in Peninsula State Park. Well, the rain kind of spoiled the moped idea. So - we made our own fun! We went to Door Peninsula Winery and took a tour of the facilities. Cory and I were surprised at how...easy?...the process of making wine seemed. Maybe uncomplicated is the better word. There are some really cool machines that make the work flow move very smoothly. The tour ends up at the free wine tasting bar - coincidence? Cory and I are not serious wine drinkers - occasionally at holidays I will have a glass. We tasted four wines. We went home with 6 bottles - 3 red (Cranberet) and 3 white (Sunset Splash). I am looking forward to cracking open a bottle one night and just enjoying. Red wine is good for the heart right?

We then visited Plum Loco Animal Farm in Jacksonport. This was so neat! It advertises "for kids", but kids at heart can enjoy too - like Cory and I! Goats, geese, pigs, horses, ponies, mules, burros...we saw it all! We had a good talk with the owner. He takes in animals that people are "getting rid of" due to various reasons. Some surrendered because the animal was too big to take care of, too much responsibility, they were moving. He had a mule that was almost 40 years old! He did not look happy to be outside. It was a little cold out for him. He started braying when the owner put him in with the other animals. Then he put his butt towards the crowd and wouldn't look at anyone. Stubborn thing! Anyway the owner was telling us that all of the animals were "one big herd" and he put all the horses, ponies, miniature horse, burros and mules together in the large pasture and they got along great. He was really passionate about saving animals. Lessons that we learned:

#1 - goats are cute!
#2 - Amy takes A LOT of pictures
#3 - some of the ponies were very aggressive in trying to get attention (one was trying to crawl over the fence)
#4 - goats are cute!

Lots of photos were taken and there were a lot of laughs and smiles - not just the kids, but Cory and I as well.

My Old Soul

2010-09-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

I have been really into reading lately. I tend to do that when the weather gets colder. I just love the idea of curling up on the couch with a fuzzy blanket, a dog on my lap and a good book while the snow falls outside. Ugh - SNOW. I am so not ready for that yet. It's a necessary evil here in Wisconsin. I love the change of seasons. From winter to spring - the excitement of warm weather, digging out the T-Shirts, the smell of the earth as it starts to wake up from hibernation. Spring to summer - shorts, no jackets, warmer weather, the birds, the baby animals, the flowers. Summer to fall - the trees changing colors, the perfect weather, crunching of leaves, apple cider, pumpkins. Fall to Winter - Christmas. No, I like more than that! The crunch of snow, the warmth of the house, cuddling under the blankets because you don't want to get up into the cold air, fuzzy socks, football.

I don't have much else to say now. Thought I'd post a few pictures of my little family. If you don't know, my family consists of my husband, Cory and our "herd" of animals. Our three dogs and three cats. Right now, one cat, Tyler, is curled up on the ottoman next to my feet. One dog, Bear, is on the other end of the couch looking pensive. I always wonder what he is thinking. He is my "old soul". He's my baby. Hope life is going well for you all and that wherever in the world you are - the weather is beautiful!

Bear

P.S. Blogger is being stubborn and it's too much work to try to post more than one picture. Next time.

The Trouble With Acorns

2010-09-10T14:38:00.000-07:00

I have been fighting a stomach virus for the past 5 days. I started feeling ill at work on Tuesday, spent my day off on Wednesday eating crackers, drinking Sprite and sleeping. Thursday, work was a chore as I still wasn't eating anything, but drank enough Sprite to float away. I tried to work yesterday, but was sent home. They found coverage for me today too. I am just not fighting this thing. I really wish I was feeling a little better. Talking to my friends and co-workers, it sounds like this virus stays around for at least 10 days. Woo-hoo.

My sister's dog Mosby had emergency surgery on Wednesday. He ate an acorn and it got stuck. I feel bad for him, but not too bad because he did the EXACT SAME THING 3 weeks ago. Had surgery because of an acorn. I thought he was smarter. Poor little thing. I guess it's kind of funny though because he has two scars like me! One over the other. He is a mini-Dachshund and adorable! He just has an acorn fetish. He is feeling a little better now - he is playing with his stuffed animal (a dachshund) which is bigger than him. It's the cutest thing.

Right now, my dogs, cats and I are relaxing before FOOTBALL! I am so excited! GO PACK GO! I wish I was able to eat my normal Football Sunday buffet of summer sausage and sharp cheddar cheese. Well, maybe next week.

28

2010-09-06T19:26:00.000-07:00

Today I am 28. I don't know, it seems to me that the number doesn't reflect the way I feel. It should be a bigger number. It seems so young to me. Although, for some reason, the number comforts me. Another year with no complications! Everything, it seems, is heart based to me, especially on birthdays. My heart and I celebrated today by exercising. That was one of my goals last year, to exercise more and lose weight. Well, I did lose 18 lbs! I gained 5 back in Vegas though, but I have still lost weight from this day last year! Go me! I have exercised 4 times this past week. I have biked/walked approximately 17 miles total. I will not lie, I am very proud of myself. I will keep this up.

28 years ago, I was delivered by C-Section at a hospital in northern Wisconsin. I was a C-Section baby, not because of my heart condition, but because I was a breech presentation. I was butt down - I was not coming out! I was 5 days overdue. My arrival date was supposed to be September 1st, my mom's birthday, but I wanted to celebrate on my own day. So, at 11:02 pm, I was lifted into this world that I would grace with my presence - lucky! My heart defect was not discovered for 5 days. My mom had noted that I would turn blue (cyanotic) and fall asleep within 2-3 minutes with breast feeding. Well, my mom was a young mother (19) and I was her first baby, so the nurses' answer to her questions was the "All babies do that, she'll be fine". Her questions were dismissed. The day mom and I were ready to be discharged, I was getting my final check-up. The doctor heard something when he was listening to my heart. He ordered an X-Ray. My parents didn't know that an X-Ray was ordered. When they came back to the room from taking a walk, the nurses said an X-ray was part of the discharge procedure. On the X-Ray, my heart was enlarged. Along with the murmur that the doctor heard, I was transferred to the nearest Children's Hospital - University of Minnesota. It was there that my condition was diagnosed as Tricuspid Atresia. I had an Atrial Septal Defect (ASD) and Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD) as well. Those two defects helped save my life because the oxygen rich blood was mixed with the oxygen poor blood. My body and organs were able to get oxygen rich blood due to the mixing. I was still cyanotic with eating and any sort of exertion. My lips, eyes, fingers and toes were dusky. The body is an amazing thing. It knows were to direct the blood to survive. None of those features were vital to survival, so they received less blood. In pictures, I look like I have been eating a purple Popsicle.

I wonder, if I wasn't breech and had been delivered vaginally, would I have survived? Could my heart have withstood the pressure during labor? I find it quite amazing that I was born 5 days overdue, with mom experiencing a perfectly normal pregnancy, and my condition wasn't known until I was 5 days old. Babies with heart defects such as mine that are born in today's world would be delivered early and by C-Section. Most, if not all, cardiac defects are discovered on routine ultrasound. I was very lucky.

In retrospect, my life with a cardiac defect has been relatively smooth. Yes, when I was little, it was a little more intense. I had two open heart surgeries before I was 5 years old. Other than medication, I have had no intervention since then. Yes, I struggled with my limitations. Yes, I have been angry because of those limitations. But for 28 years, my heart has stuck with me. I thank you, heart, for all you have done and all you continue to do for me.

Issues and Horses

2010-06-29T18:17:00.000-07:00

So, couldn't get into my account today at work. I was trying to log in to check something and Blogger would not accept my password. Then, my security question is something I don't ever recall answering. UGH. It's done now, obviously I am able to get in at home!

We went to my grandparent's house a couple of weeks ago for my aunt's wedding reception and that was a nice little break. I got to spend time with my horse, who I never get to see! My grandparents live about 4 hours away and with work and life in general, it's hard to get up there as frequently as I would like. They gave me my horse as a 16th birthday gift. I remember I was in the hospital for observation while I was started on a blood pressure medication. I got a CD case from Grandma and Grandpa and in the pockets were Polaroids of Star, one of their horses. On the bottom, it said "Congratulations - you now own your very own horse!". Star had been my favorite horse on the farm and she was so pretty (still is!). I was so excited! 11 years later, I still enjoy her company when I visit. She and I have had some issues over the years. My grandpa and I did a training session with her and my grandpa's horse - Buck - who is Star's full brother. That was a bunch of years ago and life got in the way. So, I don't ride her, as she does NOT like it. Plus, I was never a talented horseback rider. I just prefer being in their company. She also does not like me to take pictures of her. This has improved, as my cameras over the years have gotten smaller. This last time we were up there, I brought her up into the area next to the barn and groomed her. I untangled her mane and gave her a "layered" look, I just cut some of the length off. I braided and combed her tail, used the brushes to massage her. She seemed to enjoy it after she relaxed. After we were done, she followed me around and used me as a scratching post to get "butt rubs". She loves to back into me and get her hindquarters scratched. Cory and I spent some time with the horses before we left the next day. She was very receptive to attention at that time too. She was a little protective, or selfish, as she did not want the other horses to have any attention. She can be snotty!

Anyway, it was a great time to reconnect with her. I absolutely love horses and just to be with them relaxes me. I love the smell, sight and sound of them. Being in their company centers me and I am grateful that I have the opportunity to enjoy something I love, as I know many people don't get those opportunities. I am still hoping that I can bring her down to my neck of the woods so she is closer, but the right situation has not presented itself. My grandparents are kind enough to keep her with the other horses.

I am lucky.

Aliens? Nope, it's just me!

2010-05-19T15:56:00.000-07:00

It is absolutely beautiful today. 80 degrees, breezy. Beautiful. My flowers are all blooming. The side garden looks great. The front garden is a little...well, it needs some help. We need to lay weed-block and rock to get it looking nice. I am going to plant more Allium in the fall, so I almost want to hold off on putting rock down. My Hostas are huge! They must be some sort of alien Hosta.

Speaking of aliens, the hubby and I are watching a History Channel series Ancient Aliens. Very interesting. I believe in other life forms around the universe. Too many unexplained happenings. It's easy to take the testimony of these Historians as fact. In reality, we really don't have any proof (what are you hiding government?) either way. The interesting thing about the shows is that it explains beliefs through the ages and across the world. There are a lot of similarities. It's all very thought-provoking. My head hurts from all the thinking.

Heart is still going strong. Or, at least it hasn't given me any worries. I've lost 15 pounds (so far) and I do have increased energy - imagine that! I do need to increase my exercise now. I have basically modified my diet and practiced portion control. I need to increase my veggies and fruit, but one thing at a time. I am looking forward to showing my Cardiologist my new physique.

Okay - going to go enjoy my chocolate shake and alien show. Hope all is well with you!

Spring In My Step

2010-03-31T17:24:00.000-07:00

It is finally spring here in Wisconsin! I am sure that we'll get some snow the first week or two of April because that's what always happens. I don't mind though - the snow melts within 12 hours. Usually. My weight loss is going well. I am down about 17 lbs since January! Yeah me! I see some changes - my muscles are more defined, my face has thinned out, my clothes are baggy. I have a ways to go - hopefully another 10-15 lbs by June/July. Heart is good. I don't like exercising, but after my Cardio - I feel good. Sweaty and gross, but good. My heart deserves it! I just have to keep thinking that.

It was so nice outside today. Mid 70s. I have been looking at my gardens. I am so excited for my plants to come up! My Allium is already 5 inches tall! I do have this weird grass growing in my garden. I found it last year too and it is so difficult to get rid of. It's got a weird onion-like root. I don't know if it's a flower that I keep killing or a real weed. Even though a weed is just a plant in an undesirable location. Or, so I've been told.

I played fetch with the dogs for about 30 minutes this afternoon. They wouldn't stop, even though they could barely catch their breath, so I got them some bones to chew on - that made them stop. I read outside and finished my book club book - The Double Bind by Chris Bohjalian. Very good book. He is a great writer. I also have read Midwives by him. Great book. I always get into a reading mode when spring arrives. I get a bunch of books from the library and sit outside with some tea or water and just read. It is so relaxing. And, this year we can sit on our deck!

Yoga Monday

2010-02-22T19:08:00.000-08:00

Did my weekly Yoga session tonight. This class is offered through my city's recreation department. I have been having some pain in my feet when I work out and that was a problem today again, but I was able to participate in class pretty well. A lot of the standing poses I was not able to do, but my muscles are pleasantly fatigued right about now. I feel good on the inside - almost like an inner calmness or peace. It is a nice feeling.

I had to take my re-certification exam today. I work as a Medical Assistant and if we would like to remain certified, we have to take an exam every 5 years or complete continuing education credits. I chose to retake the test, as it is the cheaper route. Plus, it seems to be less work in the long run. My "unofficial results" showed that I passed - yeah me! Yoga was a good day to help relieve the stress of the exam. Now, it's back to work tomorrow, but I work with my mom, which is always fun! I really like working with my mom. She is one of the best friends a girl could have! Plus, she brings me coffee. :-)

If I've Ever Needed a Shirley Temple, Today's The Day

2010-02-17T17:03:00.000-08:00

Have you ever read the book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day? I don't think I have ever read the entire book. If I have, it's been years. Anyway, the reason I mention it is because my day today could be entitled Amy and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. I will not get into all the gruesome details, but it was one of the worst days I have had in a very long time. I love my job, I do. But job = frustration. I love my husband with all my heart. Husband = frustration (underline that a couple of times). Anyway, the day is almost over...no more dwelling on bad stuff! Speaking of bad stuff, sorry about the "pity party" I threw myself in the last post. You would think after 27 years of having a heart condition, I'd get used to it by now. Me = frustration.

I had my cardiology appointment about 2 weeks ago. It went so well! I am doing great. A couple of areas to work on: exercise more. Yes, I know about that one - we'll get to that later. Eat healthier. Yes, I know about that one too, only this time, I got a little insight into HOW I am supposed to be eating. One word: PASTA. Okay, actually I am supposed to eat a Mediterranean diet, but a lot of the main dishes are centered around pasta. MY FAVORITE! I requested some recipe books from the library and am looking forward to trying new meals. Hopefully, this dietary change will help me with the final area of improvement: losing weight. This is not going as well as I had hoped because I love food. Let me repeat: I. Love. Food. Emphasis on the love and food parts. I am going to work on the exercise issues and the diet issues and hopefully the weight will come off. It will be slow, but it will come off.

Segueing into the exercise conversation, I have to be ABLE to exercise in order to put my diabolical (weight loss) plan into play. I saw a podiatrist as I have been having left foot pain while I exercise. Pain that hinders me from exercising completely. I have to stop and rest sometimes because my foot gets so sore. Anywho, the doctor took X-rays and found that I have a bone spur on my left big toe. This is hindering the joint in next to the bone spur, which is causing swelling, which is causing pressure on my tendons which is causing the pain. *Breath*. "The heel bone is connected to the leg bone...". I have to wear my shoes all day (from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed), use anti-inflammatories, ice and inserts in my shoes. If this doesn't work after a week, the treatment will get more "aggressive". Meaning: surgery. AGH! I have a heart with 3 chambers and have only had 2 surgeries to repair it. I have had so many other medical issues that the heart seems to be almost a non-issue anymore! I DO NOT want surgery and told the doctor this. His response: "I don't want you to have surgery either, but we'll see". Have you ever heard of a body transplant? Maybe they could just move my brain into...I don't know...Angelina Jolie's body? I could get rid of my job frustration at the same time - I'd be rich!

So often when I am frustrated, I turn to food. Although, my focus is on a drink right now. My "I need a drink" drink. Which drink am I speaking of? The one, the only, the...Shirley Temple. That's right - a kiddie cocktail. Alcohol makes me sleepy and sometimes plain 7-Up just doesn't cut it. Now, where is my grenadine...?

Don't Cry

2010-02-10T19:18:00.000-08:00

Erin and I exercised tonight to The Biggest Loser DVD: Cardio MAX! We did the level 1. I don't know if I will ever move from level 1. Pretty intense (for me). I was taking a little break during the workout (like my 3rd or 4th break) and I suddenly had to fight an overwhelming urge to break into tears. All of my old insecurities came back to me in a wave. I was down on myself because I felt I should be able to keep up with the DVD. I felt that I was slacking, not doing enough, not trying hard enough, even though my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. Why do I continue, after 27 years, to still feel bad when I can't keep up? Why do I still get angry at my heart, when I get tired and can't participate as completely as I want to? I get so frustrated sometimes. Especially now, since I have started exercising more regularly. I just get to the point where I exercise at my own pace and still feel it isn't enough to help me benefit, even if I am having chest pain, shortness of breath and sweating. I don't know if it is because I am not seeing results yet or because I feel I should have increased stamina since I have been working out more. I know in my mind that any movement or sort of aerobic activity is good - even if it is just walking. I am doing more cardio intensive moves, but yet I still feel it's not enough. I still have to take naps when I come home from work. Even when I don't work, I have to take naps. I am eating healthier at work and Cory and I will be switching to a new "diet" at home. We are going to start following the Mediterranean Diet, as my Cardiologist suggested this when I saw him on Monday. He also noted that I am doing very well. My EF is 56% - that's normal! I mean normal, 4-chamber heart normal! My heart sounds good, my pulse oxygen level is stable. Why can't I be happy with this information? Why I am always bracing myself for the bad news - that hasn't come for over 8 years? The only explanation that I can think of is that I feel great. I feel great at work, I feel good at home. I feel normal - because I don't know anything different. I can keep up with people in nearly every aspect of my life. Since I do feel so well, it's disappointing when I am reminded that I am not super-human. It's disappointing because I am reminded of my limitations.

Wonders of Workouts

2010-01-13T14:47:00.000-08:00

Well everyone, I am on my third day of exercising with my good pal Erin. Yes! I am doing it! On my way to the grandparents' for Christmas, I devised (plotted, planned, agonized over) a "do it yourself" work out plan for Erin and I to conquer. Oh yes, I was inspired! I was excited! I was... tired from all the Christmases, so, I think, a little loopy. Anyway, it's an every other day workout including stretching (good for the soul), abdominal toning (hello bikini!) and cardio (you are welcome heart!). After two days of exercising (if you can call it that) I am disappointed to say that I see no results. Isn't it toning and sculpting supposed to be instantaneous, like the celebrities? Yes, I am kidding. Sort of. I am a little suspicious because in my past lives when I have exercised, I have "FELT IT". To me "feeling it" is a painful, yet satisfying, result of working those muscles I didn't know I had. I feel like I am doing something if my muscles hurt! But, so far, no abdominal muscle pain or introduction to those unseen beings. My thighs hurt - yeah! But no abs. *SIGH*. I wish that the lack of pain meant that I was already toned and my muscles in shape. HA. What a joke, cruel world. Cardio-wise, I am doing well. I am pushing myself to...gasp!...run for short bursts. That will work the old ticker out. I am quite proud of myself for the small steps I am taking. Of course, I haven't been at exercising long enough to quit (my usual time line for quitting is 7-14 days). I am sure that I will experience this phase. Here is how it will go:

Me: Erin, I am really tired because of work - let's workout tomorrow.
Erin: You are a liar - come over and workout.
Me: Okay (because Erin can be scary)

Next exercise day: an email conversation takes place:

Me: OH NO! I have to work late tonight and won't be able to come over and exercise...shoot. I was looking so forward to it!
Erin: Nice try.
Me: Seriously! I can come over at 9:30 pm when I get home from work
Erin: You know I go to bed at 10 pm.
Me: Well, if you don't want to make the time, I guess we'll have to reschedule. (I am going to interject myself here by saying - every attempt I have ever made at reverse psychology has failed. Miserably.)
Erin: I will drive past your house tonight and drag you to exercise with me! YOU ARE DOING IT! Plus, you are really bad at reverse psychology.

*I then spend the rest of the workday avoiding my email and cell phone. My time after work is spent driving around Madison, waiting until I can come home at 930 pm. Obviously, I am the winner in this situation.

Anyway, I am hoping the exercise plan never comes to that, although I do have various contacts in the surrounding areas that will take me in for a few days if I need to hide from Erin. I am determined to make this plan work and become a habit. That way, it is one more thing off my "What Amy Is Supposed To Be Doing To Take Care Of Her Heart" list, which is a very important list to have.

The Greatness of the Pink Glove

2009-12-02T13:04:00.001-08:00

I was searching around on Facebook (look me up - Army1172) and one of my co-workers (and friends...love you!) posted this video. There were so many things that I liked about this that I had to write an entry. Listed here is the greatness that is...THE PINK GLOVE DANCE.

They all have pink gloves. Even the men. And, as everyone knows, a man who wears pink gloves for cancer awareness is sexy.
Those lunch ladies can bust some moves!
Did you see that turkey dinner in the kitchen scene? Um...hello! I have never had hospital food that looked that good.
The male janitor can move like Dick Van Dyke. And I love Dick Van Dyke. Any man that can dance that well with animated penguins is a god among my people.
They had everyone from doctors to administration to patients participating - and smiling!
Some people weren't smiling - they were concentrating too hard on perfecting the dance. I love it!
The dance that the operating room staff did...I did a similar dance routine for my 4th grade gym class. Ah, memories.
Granny was dancin' in the street...and looked good!
The music was upbeat, but listen to the lyrics - a good choice I think for this video.
In the last couple of scenes where they are dancing in the waiting room - did you catch the old (expressionless) lady sitting in the chair in the background? That was a little creepy. But still awesome.

The thing I love the most is that this video has gotten 2,417,445 views. That means over two million people have watched this and that alone raises awareness. That, more than anything you can donate, will have an effect on how we fight cancer. Awareness equals earlier detection, education, better treatments and the desire to learn more. If we are going to beat this enemy, in any form it may show, we need to attack with a positive attitude. And if it means dancing in pink gloves (or any other color)...then count me in!

*This post is dedicated to all that are fighting or have fought some form of this disease. To you I say, "YOU GO PEOPLE!!" and I will gladly walk next to you (figuratively and literally) during your fight.*

Sandy - it's been two years and I still miss you every day. You are the angel on my shoulder and the person I wish I could be. Love you.

Thanksgiving 2009

2009-11-26T11:39:00.000-08:00

I have a lot of things to be thankful for in my life. Too many to name in one blog entry. Therefore, my Thanksgiving 2009 entry will be dedicated to my family.

Mom - Thank you for never missing an opportunity to tell me that I am beautiful and giving me the time to finally realize that you weren't telling me just because "you are my mom, you have to say that".

Don - Thank you for being my "Pops", especially since I didn't ask or expect you to become my dad along the way.

Lins - Thank you for letting me be silly around you without shame.

Andy - Thank you for always making me laugh, no matter what the situation.

Husband - Thank you for falling in love with me despite my quirks. You make me realize that my life is full, even though I believed it never would be.

Baby - Thank you for helping me realize that unconditional love is possible.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

2009-10-20T11:13:00.000-07:00

I'm back. It's been a while, I know. Almost one month since I've written. Work is getting very stressful with all the H1N1 floating around. For a heart patient, working in a clinic is probably not the best thing, with all the germs, but with this Swine Flu thing - it's downright crazy. I have been told by my cardiologist to avoid working with patients that have suspected Swine Flu. That's hard when EVERYONE thinks they have it. I am home from work today, not because of the Swine Flu, but a stomach bug. I tried to go to work, but it didn't last long.

I hope everything has gone well for you all. Other than being ill, I have been enjoying the fall weather, helping plant some flower bulbs. I have to plant mine yet, but it might be a few days yet. Gotta get feeling better!

The dogs are liking it that I am home. They get to sleep on the couch and not in their kennels. They keep me company, along with the cats. As I write this, Molly is sleeping on my chest. She loves to cuddle when I am not able to.

Adventures with CPAP

2009-09-22T17:16:00.000-07:00

Vegas. Was. Awesome. That's the only way to describe it. It was absolutely fabulous. Great food, great fun, great entertainment. We saw The Lion King which was amazing. The costumes were mind-blowing and graceful and imaginative. It was indescribable.

We didn't become millionaires like I'd hoped, but the experience was priceless. We are planning another trip for next year.

In the heart world, my health seems to be good. I have started using my CPAP every night. Now that I have a new mask, things are going well. I was not compliant with my old mask. Now that I have proved to myself that it was the mask that was the problem, here is my reasoning for not wearing it. It had nasal pillows - therefore it was not a full face mask. This caused my little nostrils to get sore and breakdown - not good to have skin breakdown when you're a cardiac patient. Plus, this was pretty painful. Now that I have my new mask, all is going well. I am sleeping better and longer. I still feel as fatigued as I did before the mask, but I can definetly tell that I am sleeping more at night. I used to wake up 3-4 times a night. I wake up once now. I am hoping this is helping my heart. Anything to help it along. Plus, my cardiologist informed me that there is now a direct correlation between using CPAP and maintaining the Fontan. So, that plus feeling better is really motivating me. High Five for me!

Short and Sweet

2009-09-11T21:06:00.000-07:00

I am off to Vegas tomorrow for the first time EVER! Very, very excited and can't sleep yet, so just have to keep myself busy until I drop over from exhaustion. Plus, I can sleep on the plane tomorrow.

Anywho, probably no posts until I get back.

Everyone be safe and be happy!

Until we meet again...

Nothin' Much Doin'

2009-09-08T18:38:00.000-07:00

First, let me start by saying "Thank You!" to all my online friends who wished me a happy birthday. It means a lot to me! Also, to my family and friends who helped me celebrate - THANK YOU for all you do for me, no matter if it's my birthday or not. I love you all very much and couldn't ask for a better support system.

Happy Birthday Steve - we share the same birthday and the same heart condition and we have proven we're survivors! Here's to another great year!

Here are some pictures that I have taken of my landscaping (I teased about these a while ago) and then some pictures I took of myself today while goofing around. I figured I could post a picture of me so you could all put a face to the words.

My front walk way bordered with brick and Hosta

Side garden bordered with brick

Me being silly x 3

Well, it's taken me almost an hour to do this post (due to all the uploading of the photos). Plus, my computer is very slow today. So, I will say goodnight and everyone be safe and have a wonderful day tomorrow!

27

2009-09-06T19:31:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Heart! We're officially 27 years old today. It's been quite a journey, hasn't it? We have done pretty well on our own, I'd have to say. You've had the more difficult job these 27 years, to be honest. You have kept me going all these years, despite the fact that you were never whole. You are a survivor and a savior and to have you along for this ride we call life is a wonderful gift. Yes, I have been angry at you. I have blamed you. I have hated you. I also have not understood how important you are to me. I have taken you for granted. I have failed you in certain ways. I certainly don't make your job easy. But, like a true friend, you have never given up on me. You probably didn't want to be born this way either. You have had to work extra hard to do the job that I have taken for granted. I never thought of you as a friend, only as a burden. But, although I feel we are two seperate beings, you and I are part of a team. We need each other to survive. You need me to take care of you and make your job easier, I need you to continue to be strong for me. If I ever feel sorry for myself, or need some inspiration, I can look to you. For you have never given up, no matter what the obstacle. I may not have always been the best friend you needed, but I am here now and ready to face another 27 years with you. Thank you for being patient with me until I figured it all out.

Runnin' on Empty

2009-09-03T14:04:00.000-07:00

I said in the beginning that I would try to blog once a day. That has not held true. But, have about 15 minutes before I have to leave for an appointment and this will be the only time to blog today...and possibly tomorrow. And maybe the weekend. See, already too busy!

I am EXHAUSTED. I think any "normal" person would be too. I often wonder, am I this tired because I do too much or because of the heart condition? One may never know. I certainly don't know any different and I can't put myself in any other person's shoes because...well, it's impossible, really. So, as I embark on another busy afternoon/evening and get up early for work tomorrow (will this week never end?) I realize that I could wallow in self pity/exhaustion all night. I could make it an excuse. Or, I could get ready, go out, and be thankful that I have the energy to have fun. Thankful to my heart for continuing to beat.

In the Air

2009-09-02T14:59:00.000-07:00

I saw my first leaf fall today. I pulled into my local Starbucks for my special wake up call (Skinny Decaf Caramel Latte), and parked under the only tree. When I walked out (without my special drink because the Pumpkin Spice Latte is back!!), I saw one of the tree leaves break away and fall to the ground below. It was brown and fragile and graceful. It is a reminder that things change, fall is around the corner. Summer is ending, school is starting, the weather is getting cooler. I love fall. If it was fall weather all year long, I would be a continually happy girl! The weather is perfect, in my eyes, the cool weather comforting to me. For some reason, fall creates a peacefulness in me that I cannot achieve in any other season. Pumpkins, apple cider, fires in the fireplace, crunchy leaves, curling up in blankets on the couch, football. Soon - Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas shopping, drinking hot chocolate at the mall. So many good things to look forward to.

All Clear

2009-08-20T13:18:00.000-07:00

Well, the Mayo visit went almost without a hitch. Echo - check. EKG - check. Labs - check. X-Ray - check. Visit with Cardiologist - check. Exercise test - ch...let's not talk about that yet. But, at the end of the day, when all is said and done, I got a clean bill of health and instructions to return in one year. Yeah!

So, the following is what a yearly cardiology check up consists of (for me anyway).

Mayo Clinic -my cardiac care was directed to Mayo clinic in the fall of 2001. At this point, I had just graduated High School, was enrolled in a tech college in Madison and had been followed by a pediatric Cardiologist for as long as I could remember. Due to my "specialized" condition, no adult Cardiologists in Madison were willing to see me full time. I ended up with a wonderful Cardiologist who sees me every year and who is my contact for any questions or problems that come up. He refills my medications and will give me exercise notes or MD excuses. What I like the most about him is that he admits that Congenital Heart Disease is not his main focus of study. He treats and sees mostly Congestive Heart Failure cases that occur in older adults. He will always defer to my Cardiologist at Mayo if there is a concern that needs to be addressed.

Echocardiogram - my "echo" is always the most relaxing and terrifying procedure that I undergo at Mayo. During this test, three electrodes are placed on the chest - on the left side near the arm, right side near the arm and left abdomen. This runs a EKG during the exam. The tech uses gel on the transducer, this helps create a clean flow between the transducer and the heart, therefore creating a smooth image. This gel alleviates the amount of air between the skin and transducer, which would create a more staticy image. This test may last between 1-2 hours. Typically, my echo exams last 45 minutes - 1 hour. The relaxing part of the exam is that the lights are low (so there is no contrast on the monitor) and it is a quiet exam. At my echo exams, I usually watch the exam on TV screen. This makes me fall asleep. I think that since I have had these exams for 26 years, my body is just programmed to fall asleep. When I was little, my echo exams lasted A LOT longer than nowadays. The terrifying part of the exam is when my cardiologist comes into the room to perform her own analysis. This, to me, means 1 of 2 things. Number 1 - the tech didn't get the right angle on my Fontan Conduit. Number 2 - something is wrong or changed from my last exam and she just wants to confirm this. Maybe that's the pessimist coming out in me. But from experience, I have always found that when you see the MD before you are scheduled, there is something wrong. But, like I said before, I have been seeing my MD at Mayo since 2001 and I have had no new issues. No new meds or surgeries or procedures.

Electrocardiogram - my EKGs are the quickest things that I have to have done at my Mayo visits. Honestly, 15 minutes AT MOST. Get into a gown, get 12 leads hooked up, run the test, get dressed, outta there! An EKG monitors the electrical current that the heart outputs, or in layman's terms, the heart rhythm. It prints out on a strip of paper and shows the "anatomy" of a heart beat. Without getting too technical, the EKG records the "wave" of your heart as it beats. The information received from this test helps the cardiologist determine if there are rhythm disturbances and the heart rate.

Chest X-Ray - I have this done to make sure the size of the heart isn't grossly abnormal. Also, this will help determine if there is fluid around the heart.

Lab Work -lab work is important to monitor the electrolytes in your system. Also, your basic blood counts are reviewed. Since I am on Digoxin, they also check a medication level to make sure I am not getting too much or too little of the medication.

Cardiology Consult - my office visit with my cardiologist went well. No changes were found, no changes in care needed. More exercise is encouraged, but she is proud of me for working on losing the weight and exercising as much as I am. Nothing to work on. Except picking at my nails. It is an anxiety trait, but it can cause infection if I don't stop it. Any open skin can be a entrance for bacteria.

Exercise Test - This is the worst part of the visit. I have to exercise! This test makes me feel so unhealthy. You start off at a 10% incline at speed 1.7 mph for 3 minutes. Okay, that's fine. Not too difficult. Then, you are at a 12% incline at 2.5 mph for 3 minutes. A little more difficult, but it's okay to push myself. This is where it started to get challenging. But, I did it. Then, you go to an incline of 14% and are now walking at 3.4 mph for 3 minutes. Or 1 minute. That's all I could do. I then proceeded to have chest pain, shortness of breath and dry heaves. I know, gross, but that's what happens when you push yourself.

Anywho. I am glad it is over. No more visits to Mayo for another year. Yeah! In 6 months, I see my cardiologist in Madison.

The Final Countdown

2009-08-18T06:15:00.000-07:00

MAYO. Please excuse me while I freak out. Mayo is tomorrow. My yearly checkup. It's been 18 months since I last was seen there. I have a little thing called "anxiety" and this manifests itself into what the therapist called "avoidance". Hmmm. He may have been on to something since I wasn't compliant in making my appointment until now. Interesting how that works out.

Every year that I have had my checkup, there is nothing but good news. Every year. Why, I ask you, does my mind think that something is going to change for the worse?

**The above was written yesterday, 8/18/09.

Okay, I am at...I can say it...Mayo. Checked in for my first appointment, just waiting to be called back. Echo time. I am kind of glad the appointment is early this morning. I can catch up on my sleep! I am internally programmed to fall asleep during the echo. I don't know why. Maybe because it's a dark room, quiet, comfortable. Usually my echoes go smoothly. This is a good thing. Cory is reading the paper in the empty waiting room while I am typing away. I like that they have these computers in the lobbies. Very 21st Century! More updates later!

P.S. Brett Favre is a Viking (boo!) in case you haven't heard.

Food Journals Suck & Other Musings

2009-07-31T19:59:00.001-07:00

I have to keep a food journal for my LEARN class. This is what I have learned during the week I have been enrolled:

1. I strongly dislike* writing down my food that I have eaten today.
2. I strongly dislike* counting calories.
3. I strongly dislike* being responsible and accountable for my actions.

I did lose 1.8 pounds in a week though! Progress!

Okay, enough about food and dietin...I mean, lifestyle changing. New subject.

Today Cory and I were productive around the house. By around the house, I mean LITERALLY around the house - we landscaped! We started by cleaning the office (in the house). We didn't get super far, but it looks better than it did this morning. I then proclaimed, "I need a nap" and Cory (who is a smart man) replied, "Let's go to the hardware store first and then you can take a nap". Two hardware store visits, an ice cream break (and, interestingly, no nap) later, we have a nicely landscaped front yard and curb appeal! We laid rock down in our side garden and with the Hosta along the front walkway. And then, just because we are ambitious, we dug up the "three amigos" Hosta (so called due to their being the only three in front of the living room windows) and moved them closer to their friends. We then bordered with brick pavers and filled in with more rock. We still have to finish the left side of the yard, but the right side is FAB-U-LOUS! Our neighbor Brandi ("9 going on 10") helped us. She was quite knowledgeable and productive. I then went for a 30 minute walk with my friend (who happens to be my sister-in-law) and my 12 week old nephew (HE got a nap...). Cory made up the no nap part of my day by treating Brandi and I to Culvers. Which was great because I AM ON A LIFESTYLE CHANGE! CULVERS = BAD! ARGH! I did choose the grilled chicken sandwich (which was the healthiest thing on the menu besides water) and I washed that down with a Root Beer Float (not healthy, but good!). Don't worry - it will all get written down in my food journal. Which I strongly dislike*, in case you have forgotten. I will post pictures of the new front yard when I get around to it. Which will probably be a long wait, but you'll want to keep checking back now won't you? How is that for a teaser?
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*I choose to use "strongly dislike" because my mom always taught me that "hate" is a very strong word and I should rarely use it. But, please, feel free to insert "hate" into every "strongly dislike" reference I make. That's what I really mean anyway.

Please Pass the Salt?

2009-07-22T17:32:00.000-07:00

I had my cardiology appointment on Tuesday. I was sent home with a clean bill of health - yeah! I see my Mayo cardiologist in 3 weeks, so that is the true test. I see my cardiologist here in Madison once a year and then 6 months later see my Mayo cardiologist. This way, I am seen every 6 months for maintenance. (I had a little "incident" that landed me in the ER about a month ago, but all is well now, which resulted in this impromptu appointment). Well, that is if I schedule my appointments. I have been told (by my past therapist) that I use "avoidance" to deal with issues. After avoiding thinking about this concept for a while, I decided, yes, he was right. So, it has been 17 months since my last Mayo appointment. Bad, bad Amy. I realize, I am avoiding the doctor. Why? Because every time I see her she lectures me on my weight. And I weigh more now than last time I saw her. NOT ANYMORE! Well, I probably won't have much weight off when I see her, but I'll be working on it. I just joined a program entitled LEARN. This is offered through my insurance plan and at my place of work. Score on that point! I had my orientation class on Thursday and this went well. I am excited to learn (no pun intended!) LEARN. I think it will help me make better decisions regarding what foods I put in my mouth. Just calorie counting for one day really opened my eyes to the crap I eat. I started out so well, but it went downhill towards dinnertime. I really hope that keeping a food journal will help me discover my "weak moments" when I turn to food and help me make better choices. Steve gave me some tips on how to improve my health and one of those was to keep track of my sodium intake. Okay, seeing the numbers (in my food journal) about how much salt I eat is just downright CRAZY! I try not to add it to foods, but some things have insane amounts of salt. Take my Healthy Choice soup that I had for lunch the other day. One serving (1/2 can) has...wait for it...960mg of sodium. I am trying to keep below 1200mgs daily. Everything has salt. Milk, hamburgers, cookies, chips, fruit...you name it, it's got it. Of course, I just listed some undesirable foods. Okay, desirable, but not healthy. This is going to be harder than I thought, but I am changing my mindset towards food. One step at a time.

Behavior Modification

2009-07-19T17:52:00.000-07:00

My name is Amy and I love food.

Hi Amy!

So, this blog was originally (re)started for me to document my "lifestyle change" which is my way of not saying "diet". I have reached a point in my life that I have realized I need to start taking better care of myself. As much as I have accepted my diagnosis, I still find it hard every day to "be good". I have had some rebellious phases in my life. First, I got my ears double pierced. Not a huge deal right? Apparently, this is a big no-no for a cardiac patient. The first ear piercing (at age 6) was part of my birthday gift from my parents. All I wanted was pierced ears! Like everyone else! Please??? Of course, at the next cardiology appointment, this decision was frowned upon due to the risk of infection. Lesson learned. Or was it? I have found that being told "no" or having limits set by the adults in your life (mainly my cardiologists and nurses) is going to lead to some sort of rebellion. So, at age 19, I decided I needed double pierced ears. #1 - this was painful! #2 - probably not the smartest decision I have ever made. I did not get an infection (the main concern) and I was lucky. I was smart enough to take care of my ears because after I had the procedure, I kind of felt guilty about my decision. I knew better. I knew my doctors would probably lecture me the next time I saw them. Well, I didn't get a lecture, I got a look. My cardiologist was doing my exam and she noticed the new piercing (I think her med school nickname was "hawkeye") and raised her eyebrows at me. That was it. No more discussion, but in that look I knew I had crossed the line. Did I read into the look a little? Probably. Was the look even about the new piercings? Probably not. But, as a person with a guilty conscious, a little look can mean all the world. So, I am a cardiac patient with double pieced ears. And, they are just piercings, none of that weird crap people put in their ears. More rebellious acts include: The Batman at Six Flags (really, really, not a good idea), basketball (still don't understand that one), doing flips into and in the swimming pool (I almost had my swimming privileges taken away, but I promised that I would no longer do flips and have stuck by that. Besides, underwater handstands don't count do they?), not taking my prescribed medication when it was first given to me at age 14 (a BIG rebellion that resulted in not feeling well. Kids, don't ever *EVER* try this. Ever.), and not using my CPAP at night (seriously...will I ever learn to listen?) So, since "all the fun was taken away" I decided to turn to...FOOD. Not consciously, but it did happen. It was the one thing I could get away with. Little did I know that my body would "betray" me and reflect my eating habits in the numbers on the scale and the numbers of my cholesterol. So, this love of food has turned into me being on a die...lifestyle change. I need to lose weight for the following reasons:

To help keep my heart going as long as I can and to make it's job as easy as possible.

That's it. One reason. It doesn't matter if I look like a supermodel. It doesn't matter how big my pants size is. All that matters is that my heart has as little resistance as possible and an easy job pumping the blood to where it needs to go. This will keep me going longer and stronger and as far into the future as I can go. I need to take care of my current model. I don't want an upgrade yet.

**I hope that by writing of my rebellions that all of the parents and patients who read this blog don't get discouraged or think that I am a bad influence. I chalk it up to being a kid that had to grow up at a young age mentally and emotionally (as I think all CHD patients do) and who needed to make decisions about her life on her own. Now, like I said, they always weren't the best decisions. I was lucky in that my not-so-smart decision making has not resulted in anything other than a stern talking to. If I could go back and redo some of the actions (as small as they seem to regular people), I would. I would wear my CPAP every night starting with the night it was given to me (as I do now). I would have taken my medications as prescribed the minute I got them at age 14 (as I do now, diligently every morning). I probably wouldn't have gotten my 2nd ear piercing. I would have had healthier eating habits from the start. All actions have a consequence. I hope that you and/or your child find a way to address the rebellious urges. And, as always, consult your cardiologist with questions. The worst they can say is no. The worst that can happen if you don't listen is not something you want to mess around with. Be smart! Learn from my mistakes.

Hello Neighbor!

2009-07-18T14:23:00.001-07:00

Got an email from Steve over at Adventures of a Funky Heart! blog and he had some good words for me. He also knows a bunch of people with Tricuspid Atresia (T.A.). One of the women he knows was on How to Look Good Naked with Carson Kressley. You can find an article about her here. In the article, she discusses her body image issues due to her scars and her experiences. I also enjoyed reading all the comments that people left in response. It almost seems as if congenital heart defect people are part of an underground club that society isn't aware of or doesn't recognize. We don't want all the attention, but we want people who are diagnosed with congenital heart disease and their family members to be educated and know that there are resources for all their questions and fears. I would love to be able to talk to someone about what my life has been like and give reassurance to someone that you can still be happy and healthy, even with obstacles. The greatest gift I feel I can give is to show some family that there is hope and normalcy to be found. Look at me - 26 and going strong! We need to make our presence known- let's get out there people and make some noise!

Scars and Stares

2009-07-17T20:30:00.001-07:00

I was watching one of those news programs with my mom (Dateline, 20/20) and there was a segment on the Berns Triplets and the obstacles they have had to overcome after a devastating fire that resulted in burns on their bodies at 17 months of age. They are all beautiful, humble and grateful to have had the experiences they did because it made them stronger emotionally. They discussed the emotional toll their scars caused them, as well as physical. They were made fun of in school, overheard stranger's comments and were made to feel like outcasts due to their physical condition, of which they had no control over. They now have started a foundation for people who are burn victims and are camp counselors at a camp for kids with burns. All three are in loving and healthy relationships. They have overcome their fears of being rejected due to their physical scars. They have not been victims, but survivors. Watching these wonderfully strong young women (they are 22 years old) caused me to reminisce about my scars and the stares, questions and whispers I encounter when wearing anything cut low enough to show my scar (pretty much any type of shirt that isn't a turtleneck). It took me a long time to accept and embrace that I have a heart condition and I have scars to show for it. When I was younger, I found myself looking at women in fashion magazines and on TV and wondering why they didn't have a scar. My parents were very good about being honest about my condition. It was always a "scar". Never a "zipper"
(as I have heard others refer to their scars). It is a scar. There is no shame in it. I am so grateful to my parents that my condition was met head on and there was no tiptoeing about it. I was not like the other kids - I was my own model of human, and I happened to think nothing of it until middle school when kids start staring and questioning. Especially in the locker rooms when we had to change for gym and other girls would point and whisper. Now, I know it wasn't for my physical development (I was a late bloomer) and plus, they would point to their chests in a way that made me know they were talking about my scar. This is what participating in gym class in middle school taught me:

#1 - For a person with a heart condition, gym is an even more horrible class than normally expected.
#2 - Anytime teenage girls have to change in front of each other, you are going to develop body issues, scars or not.
#3 - Where gym is supposed to be challenging for students and encourage good physical health, students with low physical tolerance or capacity find that gym is extremely discouraging - physically and mentally.

I was pushed to physical incapability by gym teachers who deemed me "lazy" and thought I was slacking off when, I was in fact, physically ill with chest pain, shortness of breath and a heartbeat that was unhealthy. I didn't want to show weakness, I didn't want to be the student who held everyone back due to my "slowness". I just physically could not do the exercises that were being taught. This caused humiliation on my part. I wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted to show people that I wasn't lazy, or slacking. I tried my very best so I would be "normal". Emotionally, I started to have issues when I started being picked last for all activities that were team oriented. I may not have been stellar at all the activities, but I like to think I held my own. My fatigue level helped me achieve the unspoken badge of shame that no middle schooler, healthy or not, wants: "the bad one at gym". Every time that I was picked last, there was no point in me trying to participate anyway - most would not consider me a part of the "team". I would prove myself occasionally - making baskets in basketball (although one trip down the floor would make me tired), getting a double in baseball/softball (and hoping my team mates would strike out so I didn't have to run anymore), and being fast at the first leg of any short sprint (make that really short sprint) - although that won me admiration at first, it would quickly wear off when my classmates found I couldn't keep up the pace. This was all peanuts though when compared to the big event of the year - the Mile. Every semester in gym, there is the dreaded Mile Run (I use caps because it is almost of rite of passage for every class - how fast can you run?? What was your time??). Everyone is expected to participate and finish. Everyone. Apparently for gym teachers, this is a fun time for them to admire the strong and humiliate the weak. No matter that I had a note from my parents and my MD stating that I should be able to set my own limits and quit when I felt fatigued. No - this is the Mile Run and darn it - no one is excused. Our track was one quarter mile around. 4 laps - that's it. Some of the more athletic guys finished the run in 5-6 minutes. Some of the more athletic girls finished it in 9-10 minutes. I finished in 17-20 minutes. I was never alone though. Inevitably, one of my friends would walk with me, ensuring that I was not alone. One year, I tried telling the teacher that I couldn't finish the walk (after 2 laps for me and people were already done running 4) and was told to get back out there and finish. Because I did my best and went as fast as I could, this caused me to tire more quickly and finish with a longer time. Everyone in the class (excluding my friend and I) had to sit on the bleachers and wait for us to finish. I heard the sighs, groans and complaints as I walked past. No one besides my friends and teachers were aware of my heart condition, so I also heard a lot of hurtful comments that, if my classmates had known about my condition at that time, hopefully wouldn't have been made. I, emotionally and physically, felt like a failure. I made my classmates late to their classes or lunch following gym, and I would hear the explanations in the hall - "I'm late because my gym class had to wait for the slow people". "We're late to lunch because of Amy taking forever to do the mile - why doesn't she run instead of walk?". No one would talk to me in the locker room and I would apologize to my friend for making her walk with me. Her decision to walk with me always meant she was treated with the same disrespect from our classmates as well. After the Mile, I would go to the nurse's office and my parents were called so they could pick me up and take me home. My pulse was always up, my chest hurt and I always fell asleep before they came to get me - I was that tired. The first year, my parents called the nurse and asked her to reiterate to the gym teachers that I should be allowed to pace myself. The second year, the teachers got an earful from my mother. Only one of them took me aside and apologized to me. She was my external monitoring system for the next year and a half. This was a blessing and a curse. She would let me pace myself and tell my classmates (who complained that I was getting special treatment) to worry about themselves and quit whining. The curse part was that my classmates would comment that I was a "brown noser" and "teacher's pet". Not labels any middle schooler wants, but I was just glad that I didn't have to go home after gym due to my fatigue. The other gym teachers seemed to regard me with what I interpreted as disgust when I was not participating or ended the exercise early when I was fatigued. I have found that gym teachers always seem to be unhappy with anyone who performs at a less than stellar level. I do want to say that sometimes I did have to go home after gym because I pushed myself too hard. It wasn't always the teachers that pushed me. Sometimes peer pressure or people's opinions caused me to not listen to my body and stop when I needed to. Again, I chalk it up to my emotional self - I just wanted to be normal and blend in. I don't mean to insinuate that I wanted preferential treatment in gym, or that I enjoyed being "teacher's pet", I just am writing my experience as it was. I remember having fun in gym - rope climbing, dancing, gymnastics - and most of the good experiences outweighed the bad. In high school I took one week of gym - and that experience was enough to prompt my cardiologist to write a note excusing me from gym my entire high school career. Some people complained, some said I was lucky to not do gym. I was relieved on one level - I didn't have to worry about failing - and embarrassed on another level. There's Amy getting special treatment again. I had to take other classes and find ways to make up my gym credits - one way was by working in the nursery we had at school taking care of teacher's kids. In middle school, my parents and I sat down with my teachers and discussed telling my classmates about my heart condition. It was decided that this would be the best way to explain my limits in gym and my reaction to dissecting deer hearts (this is around the time I found I would need a heart transplant, so cutting open a heart that was from a living thing was not the most welcome experience - a little too close to home at that time. I have since found that dissecting body parts and learning about the body is pretty cool - I guess that's why I am in the medical profession). After I educated my classmates about my heart condition, I found that most people were very understanding and interested in my "weird heart" (which is what it was known as until the day I graduated). This also helped for when I had to wear Holter monitors (which were called "Amy's Walkman") or event monitors during the school year. This also meant that my classmates looked out for me. I remember in chemistry class in high school, we were doing an experiment with electricity and after I had participated, the teacher said, "now, people with heart conditions shouldn't be doing this because it could cause some complications" and every person in the class looked at me. I just smiled and shrugged and everyone laughed. In every science class, someone would make a comment about "Amy's weird heart" and the teacher would be interested in learning more. Apparently, people with three heart chambers are not that common in the high school science world. By the time we graduated, some of my classmates were better at explaining my condition than I was. By having people around me educated, or at the very least, aware, it helped me find peace with my physical limits and scars. Most of the guys were impressed that I had my chest opened and have the scar to prove it. Apparently, scars are cool to high school boys. Who knew?? By the time I met my husband, I was comfortable enough with my physical reminders of an internal condition, that I told him on the first date that I had a heart condition and that I had scars on my chest and abdomen. He said, and I quote: "Scars are cool". Apparently scars are cool to college age men as well. He did admit that the first time he saw my scars in their entirety, he was taken aback at the amount of them and the size. He quickly got past the shock and now thinks they are pretty special. He says they remind him of the strength it takes for me - physically and emotionally - to live life to the fullest. Now, when people stare, I don't notice as much. I certainly don't feel ashamed. I am different than most people. But I have a husband who thinks I am beautiful and a family that loves me for who I am. I am grateful for the visible physical evidence of my heart condition - it is a reminder every day that I am a survivor.

My Husband

2009-07-04T21:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it's late right now (11:03 pm/2303) and I am listening to my newly downloaded songs on my iPod. I just found my iPod after 2 months of searching. In case you were wondering, it was in my car between the front passenger seat and the console. Back to the subject at hand. My husband. The wonderful man I married. He woke me up with breakfast in bed yesterday (eggs, strawberries, pancakes and OJ). I started thinking of all the reasons I love him. Where do I start?

1. He didn't freak out when I bought an Urn at a garage sale. (We think it's empty...)
2. He spoils me when we are shopping.
3. He says "no" when we are shopping. I would have a lot more useless crap if it weren't for him putting his foot down.
4. He's a Marine.
5. He's a closet romantic.
6. He's good with kids.
7. He's happy being a family of two.
8. He loves our dogs.
9. He pretends to hate the cats, but I catch him petting and talking to them when he thinks I am not looking.
10. He doesn't mind that I call him my "househusband" - he admits he is.
11. He lets me have my celebrity crushes and doesn't feel threatened.
12. He buys me pretty things.
13. He lets me watch my TV shows when he wants to play video games.
14. He loves my family.
15. He loves me for who I am. Scars and all.

Obviously, there are more reasons why I love him. This is just a start.

I was thinking of all of this while we were watching the fireworks tonight. He and I haven't had many firework watching opportunities together. I think we've watched the 4th of July fireworks a total of 3 times in the 8 years we've been together (including tonight). I always feel nostalgic when watching the fireworks because it makes me remember what makes this country great. Tht always gets me thinking about my hubby. He served in the Marines for 8 years; including 3 trips to Iraq. He is stronger emotionally than most people I know, and yet he is still a big old softie when it comes to me.

The fireworks symbolize freedom, celebration and romance. There is no one I would rather celebrate the 4th with. Thank you for all you do honey. I love you.

July 4th - - ALREADY??

2009-07-04T15:26:00.001-07:00

Getting ready to go out of town tomorrow! Just going "Up North" for a few days to relax, read and be with friends. It's my first real vacation since starting my job in October. I did have time off, but recovery from surgery isn't my idea of a good time. Anyway, I can't wait to just R-E-L-A-X! No dogs, no cats, no housework, no phones, no...tv? Oh well, I think I'll be able to survive for a few days. After being with friends, hubby and I are visiting my grandparents. I haven't been up there for almost 2 years (oh my gosh, has it really been that long?), so it will be nice to see everyone and all the animals! Hello horses! Ahhh...I can feel my body relaxing already!

Have a safe and happy 4th everyone and thanks to all our military men and women who help keep this country free and protected!

P.S. Happy birthday Tracy!

About Me

2009-06-29T17:14:00.000-07:00

My name is Amy. I am a born and raised Wisconsinite (Brewers, Badgers and Packers!). I married the love of my life in September of 2006 after 5 years of dating. I am mom to three dogs: Bear, JJ and Mateo (who we affectionately call "Psycho Beast"), three cats: Molly, Tyler and Finn and one horse: Star. I was born with a congenital heart defect known as Tricuspid Atresia. This has affected me in nearly every aspect of my life, but not always in a negative way. I make a yearly trip to my Cardiologist at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota for "tune ups" and see a Cardiologist near my home 6 months after my Mayo visit. I started this blog as a tool for myself, as I am embarking on a "lifestyle change". I am on a mission to make myself a healthier person for my myself, my heart, my husband and my family.

This blog will not be only about my heart condition. It will be a daily journal for me which, as every woman knows, pretty much includes every subject under the sun. My goal for this blog is to give myself an outlet for when I need to "vent" and hopefully provide some insight into the world of a heart patient for those of you who have some form of heart disease or know a loved one who struggles with these issues. Please leave comments for me - I love to hear from people!